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Humorous News


Homeowner ordered to 'soundproof' tennis court after grunting complaints

How About That - 12 min 50 sec ago

A homeowner has been ordered to 'soundproof' a private tennis court after neighbours complained that grunting players would disrupt their summer garden parties.

Categories: Humorous News

Dramatic high speed car chase through back gardens in Kansas

How About That - 41 min 10 sec ago

A man drove his jeep across neighbourhood lawns in Kansas, smashing through fences in an effort to elude police chasing him.

Categories: Humorous News

Hadron Collider faces closure after child traps Higgs Boson in jam jar

NewsBiscuit - 1 hour 34 min ago

Henry Brown, a six year old primary school pupil from Devon is the toast of his school after trapping an elusive Higgs Boson particle in a jam jar during morning playtime today, earning him the Nobel prize for physics in the process.

Scientists from CERN, the international nuclear research facility in Switzerland, were said to be ‘humbled’ by the news and have commenced dismantling the now redundant Large Hadron Collider which was built at a cost of £2.6 billion to detect the particle and is the most complex experimental apparatus developed by mankind.

Professor Marzio Nessi from CERN said ‘well done to Henry for beating us to it. I’m sure there’s a bright future in the world of science for him, assuming of course that he doesn’t drop the jam jar and suck the entire planet into a black hole.’

Categories: Humorous News

Gary Neville's plans for 'Teletubby' home opposed by neighbours

How About That - 2 hours 4 min ago

Hundreds of villagers have voiced their anger over plans by Gary Neville, the Manchester United footballer, to build a "Teletubby" style eco home in the Lancashire countryside.

Categories: Humorous News

Winner of writer of the month – February 2010 – Des Custard

NewsBiscuit - 2 hours 9 min ago

Although a keen writer from an early age, Des was lured onto the wrong side of the tracks and is still trying to find his way back.  Currently serving a stretch in Tunbridge Wells, Des is married to the lovely Mrs C and has two fine student sons and a tabby cat.  His likes include Matt, opera, crosswords, Led Zeppelin, Young’s beer, HIGNFY, sausages, Radio 3, Douglas Adams and Arsenal FC.  His favourite colour is blue and his favourite Beatle is Paul.

Categories: Humorous News

Bank of America apologises for repossessing parrot

How About That - 2 hours 51 min ago

Bank of America apologised to a woman after one of its contractors allegedly trashed her house and took her parrot while wrongly repossessing her home.

Categories: Humorous News

Opposites do attract as 'stressed men make odd sexual decisions', study suggests

How About That - 3 hours 23 min ago

German researchers studying the psychology of sexual attraction found that stressed men made strange choices in sexual preferences.

Categories: Humorous News

Parents worried that toddler isn’t texting yet

NewsBiscuit - 4 hours 34 min ago

Anxious parents Alan and Natalie Easter from Southend are contacting health and educational professionals after becoming increasingly concerned about the lack of communication skills displayed by their two year old daughter.

‘She’s had a mobile phone since she was six months old, but she still hasn’t written her first text message,’ they explained. To give her a head start with her communication skills, the couple have avoided talking directly to her, bombarding her with SMS messages instead in the hope that she will pick up the language that way. ‘We’ve sent her picture texts and smiley emoticons but we just feel we are not getting anything back.’

The two year old girl, called K8, is now undergoing a series of psychometric tests and cognative ability checks to ascertain whether her communication issues are part of a wider problem with her intellectual development. ‘K8’s older brother and sister were way ahead of K8 by this age,’ recalls her mother.

Kvn, the eldest of the Easter children wrote his first words aged just 18 months. Natalie recalls how she awoke at 3am to find the message ‘I ve 2 p’ from their first child. His mother then frantically texted ‘omg’ to her husband and the couple exchanged a further series of joyful electronic communications on the subject, and only five minutes later a second message arrived, saying ‘sry 2 L8’.

‘I’d not actually seen him ‘FTF’ since I’d recharged his phone the week before and rushed to his room at which he asked me ‘hu d f R U?’ It was magical. And I’m just not getting anything like that from my daughter. The doctors have tried asking her what’s wrong, and why she is being so unco-operative. But she wouldn’t reply to their MSN messages either.’

See also:
Twelve days after an unanswered text woman accepts relationship may be over

Categories: Humorous News

'Minority Report' digital billboard 'watches consumers shop'

How About That - 5 hours 34 min ago

The digital billboard similar to ones from the Tom Cruise film are being developed by NEC, the Japanese technology company.

Categories: Humorous News

Police smash internet Francophile ring

NewsBiscuit - 8 hours 34 min ago

Police across several European countries have taken part in a co-ordinated operation to arrest over 40 notorious internet Francophiles.

Operation ‘Dans La Merde’ has been monitoring the activities of suspected Francophiles for the last 18 months, gathering evidence on a number of ringleaders believed to be responsible for running websites dedicated to the trade in sickening photos of historic French landmarks and idyllic rural scenery.

UK police forces across several counties were involved in the sting operation, supported by members of Interpol and the English Tourist Board. During one early morning raid on a mobile home near the port of Dover, police captured 3 laptop computers as well as large numbers of CDs, materials for making baguettes and pains au chocolat, wine bottles both full and empty, and what can only be described as a range of soft cheeses.

The owners of the camper van are believed to be a Mr and Mrs Harvey (48 and 45) from Kent, who have a long record of promoting the French lifestyle and who were about to embark on a 3 week trip around Picardy, Normandy and the Loire Valley to seek out likely sites for other Francophiles to set up 2nd homes. Mr & Mrs Harvey were arrested by French police last summer and charged with grooming locals in an attempt to gain their trust before retired middle-class British people inveigled themselves into their communities.

At a similar site in Felixstowe, another couple were arrested while trying to escape to the relative safety of the supermarkets of Boulogne. Police believe that the couple were involved in an illegal smuggling operation to bring good quality meats and seafood into the UK.

Jenny Taylor, spokeswoman for the ETB said, ‘This is the most significant operation of its kind in years. We believe that today’s operation has made a giant leap towards eradicating these disgusting practices, and will go a long way towards stopping the spread of French culture and quality goods in our country’.

The head of the UK police operations, Detective Chief Inspector Ridley said that he was pleased that so much had been achieved but issued a stern warning to anyone who may be thinking of dabbling in Francophile practices. ‘We are ever vigilant, we can track your every move and we will catch you. There is no room for this kind of repulsive continental behaviour in this country. Frenchiness will not prevail on my watch’.

When questioned about reports that several of the main targets of today’s raids had evaded capture, DCI Ridley shrugged and said ‘Pah, c’est la vie’.

Categories: Humorous News

New York chef offers customers cheese made from wife's breast milk

How About That - 11 hours 46 min ago

A New York restaurant chef has been warned by city health officials after he offered customers the chance to taste cheese made from his wife's breast milk.

Categories: Humorous News

'Miracle' as baby elephant comes back from the dead

How About That - 11 hours 47 min ago

Staff at Sydney's Taronga Zoo have declared the live birth of a baby elephant a "miracle" days after vets said the calf had died in the womb.

Categories: Humorous News

Sarah Palin's family sought health care in Canada

How About That - 12 hours 20 min ago

Sarah Palin has raised questions over her staunch criticism of state health care after the former Alaska governor admitted her own family used to "zoom" over the border to get treated in Canada's hospitals.

Categories: Humorous News

Sarah Palin's family sought free health care in Canada

How About That - 12 hours 20 min ago

Sarah Palin has raised questions over her staunch criticism of state health care after the former Alaska governor admitted her own family used to "zoom" over the border to get treated in Canada's publicly-funded hospitals.

Categories: Humorous News

[audio] 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace

The Onion - 12 hours 33 min ago

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland


Categories: Humorous News

Cow gives birth to triplets

How About That - 12 hours 39 min ago

A cow has given birth to triplets despite the odds of doing so being 100,000 to one.

Categories: Humorous News

Burmese python on the loose on housing estate

How About That - 12 hours 40 min ago

A giant Burmese python has escaped and is loose on housing estate, police have warned.

Categories: Humorous News

Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text

The Onion - Tue, 03/09/2010 - 23:00

WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next.


Categories: Humorous News

Walking stick self defence: a demonstration

How About That - Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:47

Kevin Garwood, 61, has developed lessons in self defence using the NHS walking stick for people over 50 to help them to stand up to yobs and drunks.

Categories: Humorous News

Pensioners taught to use walking stick in self-defence

How About That - Tue, 03/09/2010 - 21:28

A grandfather is teaching pensioners to defend themselves by giving them lessons in self defence using a special weapon - the NHS walking stick.

Categories: Humorous News