Humorous News

Poet Philip Larkin's death marked with giant toads

How About That - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 20:32

In a novel way to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the death of the poet Philip Larkin, a council is to spend £200,000 on 65 giant fibreglass toads.

Categories: Humorous News

Pothole Britain: councils disagree about when hole becomes a pothole

How About That - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 16:36

Motorists face a postcode lottery of road quality due to the failure of local authorities to agree a definition of what exactly constitutes a pothole.

Categories: Humorous News

Sports: NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard

The Onion - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 15:44

BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period...

Categories: Humorous News

Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report

The Onion - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 14:00

WASHINGTON—"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in," said American Racists and Bigots Council chairman Tom Branson.

Categories: Humorous News

Government announce powertools amnesty

NewsBiscuit - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 12:10

The Home Office this week announced they are introducing a Powertools Amnesty that allows men to hand in dangerous powertools that they have no idea how to use safely.

‘These tools can be handed in anonymously, with no questions asked.’ said Home Secretary John Reid. ‘They can avoid the humiliation of other men knowing they cannot cope with powersaws, high speed drills and electric sanders and their wives will never know the presents have been returned.’

The amnesty comes follows urgent requests from Hospital A and E departments struggling to cope with the flood of DIY injuries to middle aged men attempting to use tools they were given for their birthdays.

‘We’ve had severed digits, drills bits stuck in thighs and in one case a nail gun that fired eleven masonry nails through both feet of a man from Guilford.’ said the Home Secretary, adding ‘I thought everyone knew masonry nails were for stone.’

jof

Categories: Humorous News

Inner city gangs ‘turning to trophy wives’

NewsBiscuit - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 12:00

Inner city gangs are increasingly eschewing dangerous dogs as status symbols for so-called ‘trophy wives’, according to the latest crime statistics.

According to one Brixton community support officer, this latest trend is an example of the continuing evolution of the average street gangs’ arsenal of weaponry. ‘Following the stamp-down on knife crime these thugs turned to bull terriers and the like, but with new dangerous dog legislation in the pipeline, any gang member worth his salt nowadays will more than likely have an overly tanned dolly bird to defend his turf.’

Experts believe that the problem is being exacerbated by the amount of eligible women flooding the black market following the recent collapse of the WAG trade. A leading sociologist explained ‘after going through the team like a dose of salts, WAGs are being dumped by players before the tabloids get wind of what’s going on – it’s only natural that these abandoned creatures seek the company of other thugs.’

Categories: Humorous News

Hull City to use suicide strikers against big clubs

NewsBiscuit - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 05:00

Phil Brown, manager of struggling Hull City, is considering using suicide strikers in the club’s forthcoming fixture at home to Arsenal. ‘We beat them last season,’ said Brown, ‘but to be honest we were lucky. They say they’re tired from too many matches, but they could field their reserve side and still beat us.’

‘We’ve got lads who would die for Hull City,’ said Brown. ‘So I propose to take advantage of that loyalty. The first time we get a free kick within striking range, we put one of the lads in their defensive wall, and ‘kaboom’, young Seyi Olofinjana has an open goal to aim at. Normally Jimmy Bullard would take the kick, but if his injury doesn’t clear up soon he’ll be in the suicide squad.’

Brown said the use of suicide strikers would assist smaller clubs and create a more level playing field. ‘Or not so level,’ he said, ‘when one of the fuckers goes off in the six yard box. Talk about a flat back four, theirs will be completely vaporised.

‘Football is a religion to us. We have to stand up for the long ball over the top and outdoor half time talks, and fight a jihad against big club hegemony.’

Asked if he wasn’t being a bit extreme, Brown admitted he had been under stress, with sponsors threatening to withdraw from their shirts deal. ‘Apparently they noticed we were nicknamed The Tigers, and they didn’t want to be associated with a damaged brand. I can tell you, the only Norwegian models you’ll find round here are ships in bottles brought in by their fishermen.’

Categories: Humorous News

Barn sets property record and sells for £900,000

How About That - Sat, 03/13/2010 - 00:38

A barn sold for a record £900,000 price tag defying the downward trend in the property market.

Categories: Humorous News

Toddler trapped in lolly machine after climbing in for sweets

How About That - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 22:28

An Australian toddler was so determined to help himself to sweets from a lolly machine that he climbed through the tiny dispensing hatch, ending up imprisoned inside four walls of glass.

Categories: Humorous News

Madonna serves as relationship expert on 'Marriage Ref'

How About That - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 22:27

Madonna, the twice-divorced pop star whose romantic entanglements are often in the news, served as a relationship guru in an appearance on the reality TV programme "The Marriage Ref".

Categories: Humorous News

Miss England swimsuit round given marching orders by 2009's winner soldier Katrina Hodge

How About That - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 21:09

The swimsuit round of the Miss England competition has been given its marching orders after 50 years at the encouragement of last year's winner, soldier Katrina Hodge.

Categories: Humorous News

South African prostitute goes to court over 'unfair dismissal'

How About That - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 20:26

A South African prostitute has gone to court, claiming she was unfairly sacked from her job at a Cape Town massage parlour.

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Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 19:32

News In Photos

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Sports: 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 19:00

PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy...

Categories: Humorous News

In Focus: Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 18:31

SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant of God and the Catholic Church, he has become tired of the same old church scene.

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More incredible edible cakes by Debbie Goard

How About That - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 16:52

In pictures: more of Debbie Goard's incredible edible creations.

Categories: Humorous News

Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 15:02

HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the...

Categories: Humorous News

NASA in talks with budget airlines

NewsBiscuit - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 15:00

Cash strapped NASA has announced that it is in talks with a number of budget airlines to launch its astronauts to the International Space Station when the Space Shuttle is retired later this year.

The agency hopes that the airlines can apply their cost cutting business model to space flights, resulting in low ticket prices but with astronauts providing their own space suits, paying extra for bringing a satellite on board, and a $100 charge each time they use the space toilet.

Astronauts are however said to be concerned that a budget airline flight advertised as being to the space station might actually land on the moon, requiring them to take a long bus journey to their intended destination.

Categories: Humorous News

Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 14:30

After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the...

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Sports: 'What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With This?' Obama Says While Holding Alabama Jersey

The Onion - Fri, 03/12/2010 - 14:02

News In Photos

Categories: Humorous News