In order to avoid confusion and regulate typeface usage across its 163 member states, the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) announced new directives  this morning on the use of fonts in electronic communication with special reference to satire, comedy and sarcasm.

At a press conference in Geneva, the Chair of the ISO’s International Font Committee, Dr Véronique Charrier, said:  “For too long people have been unsure whether the writer was being ironic, satirical or literal. This has led to misunderstandings which in turn have led to on-line rows, broken friendships and mass flouncing.

“Emoticons can be used to indicate that the writer is not serious, but they are not always available, and a more precise system is necessary. ISO 646-15 will address all these issues.”

After 1 January 2011, on-line joke insults should have “bad-ass” umlauts on at least one vowel per swear-word, other ‘just joking’ comments must appear in Comic Sans Serif, irony must appear in Arial Narrow, and Arial Bold will be reserved for sarcasm.

Satire must be recorded in Tahoma if the piece is to be taken literally, and italicized Tahoma if the target of the piece is in fact the people who might hold the opinion expressed in the piece, rather than the one literally being attacked.

Concluding the press conference, a spokesman said: “Now why don’t you fückers do us all a södding favour and just cöck off.”

World governments admitted they were ‘baffled’ last night after the New Zealand government issued a ‘fully incomprehensible’ message about an ‘urthquike’.

‘We just don’t know what they are on about,’ said Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘There’s something in there about ‘unternetional ide’, but we’re not sure if that’s some kind of soft drink or maybe a chemical or something.’

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordered State Department translators to work round-the-clock on deciphering the garbled message. ‘Our best guess is that their second city, which we understand is called ‘Chroistchairch’, has suffered an infestation of rodents called ‘eftershucks’, so we’re sending fifty tons of mousetraps to see if that’s what they’re after.’

Julia Gillard, the newly-reelected prime minister of New Zealand’s English-speaking neighbour Australia, welcomed the US response. ‘She said it was ‘terliddle terlate yabladdy drongos’, Mrs Clinton said. ‘My translators tell me that means ‘God bless America.’

The story so far: In the middle of the night, our hero Antonio has fled from the malevolent grip of the brooding Baron Brown. After several hours of wandering around Islington, he espies a lit window in a much more tasteful mansion, filled with elegant soft furnishings, healing crystals and scented candles. He has found solace with his childhood sweetheart, Cherie.

Chapter 12

The rain set early in tonight. The sullen wind was soon awake. The tree-tops tried their utmost to resist the elements, as I, too, tried in vain to resist the attractions of the raven-haired temptress draped by the glowing embers of the log fire, an antique glass of even more antique whiskey – a gift from Signorio Sergio Bersculonio – in her beautifully manicured hand.

The heady scent of burning applewood, the rich amber tones of the spirit, the deliciously seductive fragrance of Tramp by Lentheric affected my senses. I threw caution to the winds and myself at my beloved’s feet.

She cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me; made me feel that what I was about to do was right… And that the rug could be dry-cleaned anyway.

On that night of the 12th May, 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. In that I was selfish, not she – my syntax is unclear. She, as softly plump as a silk, goose-feather-stuffed counterpane; she, raking those manicured talons across my back like a snake with fingers; she, giving me her utmost attention whilst simultaneously checking the property ads for Bristol …

O! O! O! I devoured it to give me strength, I was an animal – a panda, a tiger, a horned rhinoceros – following my instinct, knowing I would need every fibre of emotional power and resilience to cope with what lay ahead. I was exhilarated, afraid and determined in roughly equal quantities as I kissed her roughly – as in approximately rather than without due care and consideration as it was dark and not easy to find (just like those pesky weapons of mass destruction) – on her swollen lips and took her roughly – as in approximately as well as without due care and attention – on the Axminster rug.

“Was that it?” she murmured in slightly petulant tones as she reached for my vest.

I was restored, victorious, ready to face my vicious Scottish foe, my arch enemy, my nemesis, the man with the emotional intelligence of an amoeba. Ma Cherie amour! I am a man once more.

To be continued

Doctor Moptop

Following the success of Mamma Mia, We Will Rock You, and a host of a nostalgic West End musicals, would-be theatrical impressario Cliff Powell had been confident that there was another hit show just waiting in the wings. However the main investor in the new Gary Glitter musical ‘My Gang!’ today announced that the show now looks unlikely to happen. Mr Powell who has given years of his life to this project said ‘We contacted hundreds of potential investors with the message ‘Do You Wanna Be In My Gang?’ and quite a strong signal came back saying ‘Well, no.’

Back in the 70s Gary Glitter topped the charts with hits such as Do You Wanna Touch Me, I’m the Leader of the Gang (I am) and I Love You Love Me Love.
However the former glam rock star has recently been the subject of some negative publicity which Cliff Powell conceeded may have made some financial backers a little wary that his family show had a future. ‘Why can’t people just enjoy the music?’ he complained ‘It’s just political correctness gone mad.’

jof

When Detective Inspector Craig King hits a dead-end with conventional investigative police-work, he knows where to turn. Forensic homeopathologist Simon Yates.

Since 1997, Simon Yates has been called in on dozens of cases to assist police with his complementary detective work, based on the centuries old techniques of homeopathology. The results speak for themselves – when modern technology has been unable to identify any suspects, Mr Yates has been able to use his unique skills to study material from a crime-scene and generate lists of suspects from which convictions can be made.

Even when standard police-work makes adequate progress in a case, DI King often calls on his forensic homeopathologist for a second opinion, or a list of complementary suspects to interview.

‘Oh, Simon is great, an absolute miracle worker,’ enthused DI King. ‘It’s not just the work he does, but the time he spends with you. You come out feeling so clear-headed and convinced that there really is cause to lock his suspects up.’

Homeopathology is based on the “law of similars” formulated by Samuel Hahnemann in late 18th century Germany, and involves serial dilutions of substances in water or alcohol, followed by forceful shaking in a process known as “Succussion”.

Simon Yates applies this to substances found at the crime scene – a drop of blood, the victim’s tears – it could even be powdered glass from a broken window. After preparing the solution and drinking the ‘potentized’ remedy, Yates will roam the vicinity guided by its power until one or more suspects have been identified. They are then also asked to drink the solution while in police custody until a conclusion is reached.

Dismissed as pseudoscientific quackery by many criminologists, Simon Yates is keen to point out that ‘forensic homeopathology has been around for a long, long time. Surely if it wasn’t effective, it would have disappeared ages ago. And yet here it is. Plus you only have to look at the arrest rates to see that it is having an effect.’

He will admit, though, that forensic homeopathology has its limits and that some cases are beyond its reach. ‘In those cases, I would recommend aroma-inquiry with perhaps a course of Naturopathy to enhance the crime’s ability to solve itself.’

An American Postal worker has left the sorting office where he worked for ten years after agreeing with management that his future lay elsewhere. Forty three year old gun enthusiast and Gulf War veteran Glen Johnson was pragmatic about the move, claiming that he understood why managers in the Montana office took the decision to let him go.

The army surplus-wearing loner said, ‘In all fairness, I’d been acting kinda kooky recently. I’ve been suffering from some sort of schizophrenia for a while and Momma’s passing led to some aggressive behaviour towards colleagues. I wish the staff and management all the best in the future, they’re all wonderful people.’

The local sheriff revealed that Glenn was generally considered a nice enough guy, ‘Old Glenn’s all right, he gets drunk now and again smashes up a bar or two, the odd minor arson attack; nothing too serious. We’re fairly busy trying to catch a mystery serial killer who’s targeting successful career women to worry about him. He’ll have a few drinks to soften the blow; then get over it.’

Described by fellow gun club members as ‘very much a quiet man who kept himself to himself’, Johnson was looking at the news as a positive move in his life. He has already secured a job as a janitor in a local school, the job starts in three months and Glenn is unconcerned that the children will make fun of his slight hunch and lisp. ‘It’s a great move for me, I love being around children, sometimes I just sit in the park for hours and watch them, I take the odd photograph, it’s another hobby of mine. In the meantime I’m also going to start that book I’ve always talked about. I’m basing it on a character that hides in the woods and shoots campers dead before hiding the bodies in a freezer at his remote farmhouse; I’ve never had much of an imagination.’

The new 111 non-emergency advice line has been subjected to a litany of ‘time-wasting’ emergency calls including a heart attack, a stroke and a road traffic accident.

Police have already been asked to intervene following a number of calls including one man who rang up to say that he was suffering a cardiac arrest. ‘This man should be thoroughly ashamed of himself,’ said junior Health minister Paul Burstow. ‘His heart attack could be blocking a much less important call from someone with a grazed knee or a bit of a headache.’

Staff at the advice line have been reportedly ‘very upset’ by the gruesome and shocking nature of some of the calls.

‘It’s awful,’ said one operator. ‘I expected to deal with people with bunions or lumbago but my first call came from a woman at the scene of a 17-car pile-up on the M62. We have to take each call seriously in case it is a genuine non-emergency, but it became increasingly clear, as she described the bloody carnage before her, that she was wasting my time. In the end I gave her the details of a 24-hour chemist and hung up.’

Recordings of some of the most outrageous calls have now been released to the media in an attempt to ‘name and shame’ the culprits. One call involved a barely comprehensible pensioner who claimed to have fallen over after suffering a stroke. ‘The 111 operators should not have to put up with this kind of thing,’ said a furious Mr Burstow. ‘When we track this person down they will have an awful lot of explaining to do.’

Police are understood to have already visited the homes of a number of these bogus callers, although so far nobody has bothered to answer the door.

Patients say that they are becoming increasingly confused about which telephone line to call. ‘I recently suffered a brain haemorrhage,’ said one, ‘but then I couldn’t decide whether to call 999, 111 or NHS Direct. Finally, I gave up trying to choose and rang for a pizza instead.’

The Hutton inquiry,  set up to investigate the circumstances of the death of Dr Black at his house last year, has been published and concluded that it was Colonel Mustard with a dagger in the Library.

Critics insist that a number of unanswered questions remain. Nine witnesses including Mrs White have attested to seeing Reverend Green shoot Dr Black with a revolver in the billiard room and seeing bloodstains over the carpet. Others have pointed to laboratory tests showing nitro-glycerine on Green’s hands and a bullet hole in Dr Black’s head.

‘I couldn’t care less, personally,’ said Professor Plum, who had been named as a suspect on some conspiracy theory websites. ‘I have a cast-iron alibi for where I was the whole time: in the lounge, with Miss Scarlett. And the rope. And some lead piping.’

Popular classical music station Classic Fm today issued a statement confirming that it had in fact ‘run out of music’ for its Hall of Fame Top 300, and had been forced to broadcast several pieces of music over and over again.

The Hall of Fame, which is based on a scientific poll of ‘the nation’s favourite music’ was found to consist of only four pieces of music, namely ‘the Brief Encounter music’, ‘the Hovis ad’, ‘that nice one by Mozart’, and ‘Tee-tum-tee-tiddly-pom, oh I can’t remember what it’s called. It might be Elgar.’

Minutes of a meeting show that the senior management of the radio station were torn between just playing the pieces identified by their research or artificially augmenting the list, but ended up just playing the same things they play every day, interspersed with jingles reminding listeners that they are listening to the Classic FM Hall of Fame between every single piece of music, or sometimes in the middle of one.

‘We lost that one from the Hamlet advert when the cigar adverts were banned and most people are too embarrassed to say ‘Just One Cornetto’, said DJ Simon Bates. ‘Then we had to discount all the confused people who voted for Bohemian Rhapsody or contestants from the X Factor. In the end we just played different bits of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons and gave them titles from the Pizza Express menu.’

Classic FM has been in decline since its launch due the large number of listeners who keep dying. Analysts believe that this is not just down the old age of the radio station’s demographic, but also because the presenters speak so quietly and slowly that late night listeners in their car fall asleep and crash. Now the station may have to close unless anyone can come up with one more piece of classical music that any of their listeners have heard of. ‘We did try asking members of the public to name their favourite opera. But most people looked a bit puzzled, thought for a bit and then said ‘Winfrey’.

Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols has defended the astronomical cost of  Pope Benedict XVI’s forthcoming visit to the UK, explaining that the Pope will amongst other things be carrying out essential maintenance work to schools across the country.

‘I accept that £12m sounds like a lot, but it’s actually very good value when you look at what he’ll be doing,’ argued the Archbishop. ‘He’ll be single-handedly taking over building work on all the schools that have had their Schools for the Future grants cut, patrolling inner city streets to reduce anti-social behaviour, replacing front-line nursing staff in a number of hospitals and collecting bins for cash-strapped councils.’ There is also a rumour that the Holy Father will be used to replace the Trident nuclear missile system. ‘All that for £12m – what’s your problem?’ he added.

The Vatican has reassured British Catholics that the Pope ‘may well try to make some time in his busy schedule to speak to them’.

The people of York have issued a plea for a less ‘cringeworthingly embarrassing duchess,’ following recent revelations that current incumbent tried to solicit money from an undercover reporter in return for access to her ex-husband.

According to residents, Sarah Ferguson has ‘besmirched’ York’s image. ‘The woman’s a liability,’ complained one local, ‘I mean Andrew’s all right – keeps himself to himself mainly, but her – she only kept the title as part of the divorce settlement, along with the kids, the house and the silver spoons. We’ve got a great city with great historical attractions and absolutely loads of pubs, only to have that greedy toe-sucking cow associated with us.’

However not everyone is so keen to see Sarah Ferguson removed from office: ‘She’s not all that bad,’ admitted one former soldier, ‘I won’t say I fancied her as such, but I always found her more attractive than that winnowy charity-monger Diana and besides, looking like a horse isn’t too bad given she’s a Royal.’

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Duke of York has called for restraint and understanding amid the furore: ‘Sure, she’s not the sharpest royal in the jewellery box, but like the parents of a slightly backward child, we just need to love her, support her and keep for from doing anything stupid. Oh, and lock her up in the attic bedroom whenever anyone comes to visit.’

The fortunes of a West Country junior school football team look set to be transformed after the children’s team was bought by oil-rich billionaire Crown Prince Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum of Dubai.

Newton St Cyres Church of England junior school, near Exeter last season finished second from bottom of the East Devon schools league but already look set to improve on that with the £35 million signing of Wayne Rooney from Manchester United, who replaces ten year old Timothy Johnson up front. Timothy’s younger sister Alice who played in goal last season letting in 107 goals in six games also looks vulnerable after the signing of Peter Cech from Chelsea. ‘Alice may well have to give up the school’s coveted number 1 shirt’ said her mother, ‘although to be honest I think they may have to get another shirt.’

Other teams in the East Devon school’s league claim that being able to spend upwards of a billion pounds in the transfer market gives Newton St Cyres junior school an unfair advantage, but this is only jealousy says new manager Luez Felipe Scolari; ‘Their fans wouldn’t complain if it was them who was buying Ronaldinho to partner Steven Gerrard in midfield.’

However proof of the old adage that money does not always buy instant success was borne out by the school’s first game, when the highly-paid team of soccer superstars from the Premiership and La Liga, lost 7-0 to local rivals, Clyst St Mary Under 11s. ‘The team needs time to bond’ said Scolari. ‘And they have to get used to the more physical game at this level.’

When a troupe of professional actors pulled out of doing performance of The Wizard of Oz at Robert E. Lee High School in Vicksburg, Georgia, with only two weeks notice, the perky, can-do senior kids were not dismayed – they vowed to step in and do the show themselves. Unfortunately, the results were dreadful beyond words.

First the shoddily constructed set fell down three times, causing the performance to over-run by two hours. Then dopey jock Troy Wilson, who played the Lion, stumbled over his tail and injured two teachers in the front row, while Jessica Brooks, a sweet girl from the wrong side of the tracks, was a teeth-grindingly abysmal Dorothy.

‘I volunteered because I hoped David Walsh, the handsome quarterback who stepped in as director, would fall for me,’ sobbed Brooks. ‘But he spent the whole show groping his bitchy blonde girlfriend Amanda in the wings and not even looking at the show. I guess I have to accept that ordinary girls like me never will get the hottest guys. Even if we do swallow.’

Parents, who had driven in from all over the county to see the performance, were also mortified to hear the Tin Man, played by computer geek Jason Graham, mutter a racial epithet after the only black cast member, Antwan Jefferson playing the Scarecrow, accidentally charged into him on the Yellow Brick Road. Graham is currently in a stable condition in hospital in Atlanta.

‘The whole thing was just excruciating,’ said school principal Randy Cutler. ‘I’d like to give them full marks for trying but I just can’t. Holy crap, I’d rather have another vasectomy than sit through that again. When will these naïve, bright-eyed kids learn that enthusiasm is no substitute for professionalism and months of rehearsals?’

Britain’s trade unions admitted last night they were ‘deeply sorry and embarrassed’ after allowing almost the entire summer to pass by undisrupted by strikes.

‘This was a genuine oversight,’ said a senior official at the Fire Brigades Union. ‘We thought it was the NASUWT’s turn, but apparently they’d left it to us and Unite to sort out this year.’ A last-minute strike called for this week on the London Underground is expected to help rectify the error, but millions of people will still have missed out on traditional summer pastimes such as fuming at travel disruption, not receiving any post for six weeks, and spending four nights sleeping on uncomfortable seating at Heathrow Airport.

Despite the bungle, the TUC claims that disruption to British business, tourists and commuters has been at an acceptable level. ‘There was that Icelandic volcano earlier in the year which grounded hundreds of flights,’ said a spokesman for the Transport & General Workers’ Union. ‘That did most of our work for us this year. And don’t forget the Professional Footballers’ Association went on a very successful work-to-rule during the World Cup – they were home in no time and managed to spoil everybody’s summer without even having a ballot. Job done, if you’ll excuse the irony.’

There were scenes of indescribable horror and bloodshed today as a gang of dinosaurs and cars attacked the fairy castle of Princess Annabel and her friends while they were having tea in the bedroom of Maisie Forrester, 4, at 38 Spencer Road Mansfield. Early reports say that no survivors are expected to be found.

According to eye witness Jack Forrester, 7, the sudden and unprovoked attack began with Lewis Hamilton’s racing car battering down the windows of the castle, sending the princesses’ handbags flying in all directions. This was only the preliminary to the horror to come.

T-Rex and Allosaurus then descended on Princess Annabel, biting both her legs off before chewing her soppy little kittens into a million billion pieces, Forrester alleges. ‘From my vantage point on the bed, I saw Princess Emily come running out in her stupid red shoes screaming,’ he added, ‘but the Aston Martin ran her down. It hit her so hard her knickers fell off which was well funny.’

Over the years, there had been considerable political tension between the dinosaur-car alliance and the fairy princesses. However, it had always stopped short of outright war. Forrester has cast doubt on stories that teddies sympathetic to the princesses may seek to avenge the murderous rampage.

‘I’d like to see those stupid bears try and stop them,’ he said. “If they get anywhere near us, Action Man will kick them in the willy and gun them down uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Wicked.’

Professor Stephen Hawking has sparked controversy by declaring that he no longer believes that Lorraine Kelly had anything to do with the creation of daytime TV.

Professor Hawking, has set out his theory that daytime television ‘will go on expanding forever’ and was created far earlier than 1993 as originally thought, and that its inception was ‘a completely random event’ and ‘had nothing to do with the existence of Lorraine Kelly’.

‘Spontaneous drivel is the reason there is something, rather than nothing, on television every day before Countdown,’ Hawking says in his latest book, Why Grand Designs?. ‘It is not necessary to invoke Lorraine Kelly to explain why this is. If you want evidence that daytime television is random and meaningless, just look at Jeremy Kyle or that godawful show with the antiques in people’s lofts.’

Hawking’s view has angered religious leaders and television viewers. ‘If you don’t believe in Lorraine Kelly, how do you explain Christine Bleakley?’ said the Chief Rabbi, Jonathan Sacks. ‘There must be some moderately intelligent design behind all this. It can’t be coincidence, it just can’t.’

An investigation is underway after over 5,000 members of the Sealed Knot died in what’s described as an ‘all too accurate re-creation of the Battle of Naseby’. Over 20,000 people took part in the event in Northamptonshire, with another 250 spectators watching. Eyewitnesses described the scene as appalling, carnage and lacking the usual burger vans.

Detective Chief Inspector Barry Trench from Northamptonshire CID told a news conference that his investigation is likely to take some time, due to the numbers of deaths to be investigated and the amount of paperwork to be filled in. ‘I can confirm that we are investigating a number of deaths in connection with an incident near Market Harborough. The injuries involved seem to suggest the prolonged use of primitive firearms and sword-like weapons, possibly swords.’

However, Roger Tree, the Branch Secretary of the Sealed Knot who organised the re-enactment, told reporters what he understood had happened. ‘We’d agreed to hold the most faithful modern staging of the decisive battle ever. What seems to have happened is that some of the people on the Royalist side got a bit carried away and accidentally killed some of the Parliamentarians. They retaliated and because they tend to be better trained and more zealous in their fervour, they went a bit too far.’

‘It’s a shame really, as some of those killed were about to renew their subs for the coming year. So we’re a bit buggered for finances.’

New laws out-lawing battle re-enactments were to be considered by the Government, but this is being put on hold while the leader of the Parliamentary forces is dismissing most M.P.s; creating a ‘Rump Parliament’ and making himself ‘Lord Protector’ for life.  ’It all makes for a very interesting  hobby’ said one Sealed Knot enthusiast.

MrBlacker

Inhabitants from all over the star system were celebrating last night after it emerged that Yoda had overcome his demons and passed an exam in GCSE English. The pint-sized Jedi had long struggled to formulate sentences properly, meaning that he had failed the test aimed at 16 year olds no less than 728 times.

Alan Parks, a private tutor hired to help Yoda had been working with him since he was a newly qualified teacher aged 23. Now 63 and coming up to retirement, he was overjoyed with his pupil’s success. ‘I am just elated, my whole career has been about this moment, Master Yoda just couldn’t get his sentence formulation cracked, but we got there eventually.’

Parks has every right to be elated, he is the 15th tutor hired by the Jedi Council to work with Yoda. ‘To be honest, his habit of putting sentences the wrong way round was getting a bit embarrassing,’ said Mace Windu, a member of the Council, ‘Whilst representing us in public his small stature and funny little green face went down a storm, but his patterns of speech left a lot to be desired.’ Parks worked with Yoda to break the bad habits and to instil a sense of calm. ‘Often it was the heightened expectations around Yoda that caused him to malform his sentences,’ said Parks, ‘he was nervous and he hated it when people laughed at him. We just worked on his confidence more than anything else and slowly we started to unravel the problem.’

Yoda received his GCSE result last week but wanted to keep the achievement quiet in order to avoid a fuss. ‘I just want to carry on like normal,’ said Yoda today, ‘I really don’t want to draw any attention to this, I am like, ok, I’ve done this, I’ve passed, let’s move on. There are far more important things to be dealing with, such as the rebel alliance and that troublesome Darth Vader.’ It is thought that Yoda will not be taking his studies any further at the moment but may well look at A level English in a few years. ‘I would like to keep my hand in for sure, but for the moment, very pleased I am!’ he quipped.

The Department for Health have announced that all myxomatosis wards, in which patients have to share their bed with a diseased rabbit, are to be scrapped.

‘This sort of thing has been going on for far too long,’ said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley. ‘Nobody wants the indignity of being stuck in a ward full of blind, sick bunnies.’

Myxamatosis wards date back to the 1970s when it was commonplace for rabbits to be brought into hospital to cheer up the patients by hopping gaily about the place. However, before long, the rabbits became ill and began taking up much needed bed space.

‘We couldn’t give over a whole bed to a single rabbit,’ said one matron, ‘that would just be ridiculous. So we made them share with the human patients. It seemed like a good idea at the time and some of them went on to form lasting relationships.’

The government have now promised to move the rabbits on to new wards. ‘Of course we are still committed to providing proper health care to Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail,’ said Mr Lansley. ‘Just don’t tell them they’ll now have to share with the weasels.’

In a move that has shaken Toytown to its building block foundations, Noddy has taken the unprecedented step of releasing a statement in an attempt to quell ongoing rumours about the true nature of his relationship with Big Ears.

‘For many years now, our friendship has been the subject of untrue and malicious gossip,’ said the small wooden boy, who strenuously denies allowing Big Ears to play with his bell in return for favours. ‘I realise in hindsight that us sharing a bed may have given rise to this speculation. And my comments about us having a ‘gay old time in the woods’ have been taken entirely out of context.’

Despite his innocence, Noddy has unceremoniously sacked Big Ears as his best friend and banished him to the spare room, a move that has not come a moment too soon for irritated neighbours.

One resident, a Mrs T Bear, said, ‘Hopefully we will finally be able to get a bit of peace and quiet round here. Every blooming night, my husband and I would be kept awake by the rhythmical sound of a bell jangling, accompanied by a moaning noise which would last for several minutes. Then the sweet scent of cigarette smoke would come wafting through our bedroom window. Heaven knows what they were doing in there.’

When confronted with this evidence, a blushing Noddy retorted, ‘It is well documented that I am a keen judo enthusiast. It has become our custom of a night to grapple on the bedroom rug and yes, I do prefer to fight with my lucky hat on. In the hurly-burly of a bout, it is only natural that a judoka will occasionally grunt and groan under the intense probing of his opponent until, finally, the victor will emit a roar of triumph. If he then chooses to enjoy his victory with a glass of single malt and a fag, that is his business.’

The latest speculation is not the first time Noddy has been at the centre of controversy. One Toytown resident was unsurprised at the new allegations; ‘I always thought that’s why he had big ears; it gave Noddy something to hold on to.’

Mary Evans and ChrisHarrison